JC SiLent:You cant be that far away from me ; if we're looking on the same side of the moon
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Are we a couple or not? - article
The notion of 'going steady' seems to be heading the way of the dodo. Today, a couple may do couple things, yet commitment is not part of the game. YOU'VE held hands, kissed and maybe even spent the night with her. Yet, when someone asks if she is your girlfriend, you would stop dead in your tracks.
'Girlfriend?' you repeat, like a parrot.
'Well, we are dating, but I can't quite say she is,' you hear yourself say. At least not yet, you qualify, as if the possibility of her becoming one excuses you from answering further questions about her current status.
The fact that both of you spend an inordinate amount of time together on weekends and display coupling tendencies further compounds the confusion. By 'coupling tendencies', or what some call symptoms of coupledom, I mean a behavioural shift from a previous 'single' mindset to a collective we-two-are-one mentality. You know, doing things like attending dinners, parties and dos with other couples and thinking or expressing yourself in terms of 'we' and 'us' instead of 'I' and 'me'.
The bottomline is, you are behaving as if she were your girlfriend.
Yet, when people bump into both of you, you still refer to her as 'my friend'. This begs the question whether there really is a need to formalise the relationship and, if so, when.
Unfortunately, it's not as simple as just adding the 'girl' prefix onto 'friend'.
Is this situation reflective of the modern dating dynamic, where, increasingly, more people are slipping and sliding into relationships without realising it?
You meet someone, you chat, you banter, and if you hit it off, you see her again. And again. During this time, you would, more likely than not, have got physical with her. And before you know it, you would be seeing her fairly regularly. But when asked about the relationship, you still mutter about being 'just friends'.
Things were different in the not-too-distant past.
It used to be that a guy would only hold a girl's hand or kiss her after they had 'gone steady'. This usually happened after he asked her if they could do so. Going steady also came after the pair had gone for a sizeable number of dates to get to know each other.
These days, the notion of going steady seems to be heading the way of the dodo bird and the Tasmanian Tiger.
In fact, Ah Beng chat-up lines - surely a good barometer of the times - reflect this.
'Oi, Miss ah, ai kia steady mai?' ('Would you like to go steady with me?') is the norm these days, I'm told.
So, you may have the trappings of a relationship, but somehow don't seem to have the appropriate label for it. That you are 'seeing each other' is the usual catchphrase of choice. And though it carries with it a connotation of commitment, it is not necessarily the case.
Technically, you could be dating 10 different people at one time and still not flout the rules of the game.
After all, you could justify your actions by simply saying 'But we didn't spell out that we were seeing each other exclusively.' Which is why, I think, it is important for dating couples to set the boundaries and, in a sense, formalise things.
If you really like her and are prepared to commit by seeing her on an exclusive basis, why not spell it out and lay your cards on the table?Ask her if she would like to go steady with you and be your girlfriend from this day forth.
If she is unable to accept or reciprocate with the same level of commitment or understanding, it's a good indication that what has been going on was unequally-yoked. It's a recipe for disaster because after a while, one party is going to feel that he or she is getting the shorter end of the straw.
If, however, all you want is just a 'friend' with whom you can enjoy some intimacy with from time to time, then keep the waters muddied for as long as both of you can take it.
Just be prepared to be told one day that your 'friend' has decided to move on to another 'friend'. Oh, and that it was good while it lasted.
It's your game. You decide how you want to play it.
& 4:10 pm